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I’m coming home!

I woke up this morning and felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was a sense of hope and excitement. Of course my head immediately said: “you b*tch! You should be grieving and hurting and you’re not allowed to feel even the slightest bit of happiness, you’ve done this to Lance and you deserve the consequences!!” However, my heart understood and tried to tell my head that it was ok to feel it and acknowledge it, instead of pushing it away as I would have done in the past.

I had a dream about how to get to where I want to be and realized what I had to do for my dreams to come true. For the past couple of years it seems like I keep finding the puzzle pieces I need to fit into “my puzzle” and all of a sudden it was clear to me why I had come to South Africa. The things I have learned are the things I need for my future career/ life.

Most of you will know how passionate I am about working with children. Every single day I dream and think about how I can create a way to teach children about happiness, respecting others for who they are, teaching equality, dealing with “life” and following your dreams. These are subjects you cannot fully understand until you’ve experienced them, so in order to pass this knowledge on you need to go through things that aren’t always very pleasant.

I love to dream big and set goals that seem impossible to many people, but what I’ve learned over the years is that if it’s been done before and therefore not unrealistic, no matter what people say, it’s possible, and with a lot of hard work I will get there. It excites me a lot to know that every day I am getting a step closer to fulfilling my life purpose.

Waking up with a sense of hope was just what I needed as today is the big day.

Lance and I said “goodbye” (or see ya later as I prefer) on Tuesday and as you can imagine this was one of the hardest days of my life. My heart felt like it was ripped apart and I couldn’t stand the guilt. My body ached and at one stage my legs literally gave way. I’ve never fully experienced a broken heart, but I now know what it feels like. The pain has come in waves and is usually worse at night when my head finds it a good idea to think about every possible subject you can imagine.

Although the pain is unbearable at times I keep reminding myself that it is the right thing to do, not just for me but for Lance as well. He deserves his happiness as much as I do and it makes me happy to know that this way he can live his dream and complete his “puzzle” the way he needs to. No one knows what the future will bring us, but I do know that this is one step in the right direction.

In 2 hours I am flying out of Johannesburg for an 8,5 hour flight to Abu Dhabi, followed by another 14 hour flight to Sydney, where I will be gliding through customs with a smile on my face, pulling an imaginary middle finger saying: “Try and stop me now Australia!! I’m going home!!”

It’s been one heck of a ride with many bumps in the way, but over the past couple of days I’ve realized that it was all worth it and that the good times outweigh the bad 100 times over. The things I have done, seen, smelled, heard and touched are so incredible I cannot possibly put it into words.

Walking in the bush at night, under a full moon, hearing elephants in the distance, waking up to the sound of lions roaring, sticking my head in a dead buffalo, draining its blood to lure back a lone lioness, a ginormous herd of elephants on my birthday, walking into hyena’s at night, monkeys inside the house, African sunsets, petting wild zebra’s, lying on a mattress in the middle of the bush looking up at trillions of stars, touching a rhino that had been saved after poachers tried to kill it for its horn, waterfalls that blow your mind, skinny dipping, driving up to 2 leopards by myself, getting lost in the townships of Soweto, visiting a local school, being in South Africa while Nelson Mandela passed away, cutting Lances hair outside with giraffes walking past, face to face with a rhino…..and that’s just a small amount of what life has been like.

I want to leave you all with the last photos I took while being in the bush and thank you all from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done for me, the support, listening ears, “coming along” on this crazy ride and for being you!

See you soon New Zealand!!

Xx Fleur

 

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